TALK TO FRANK
Boris: Oh God, no way out! No way out! No way out!
Michael: Boris, wake up, wake up now. It’s okay.
Boris: Michael. Eh? What? You?
Michael: Yes Boris, wake up you’re having one of those Senate betrayal dreams again.
Boris: Yes, I was trapped Michael, there was no way out!
Michael: I know, I know, but it’s all right now.
Boris: Yes. Oh wow that was bad.
Michael : What was the matter Boris, was it the Capitoline Hill all over again?
Boris: No, no it was much worse. The economy had collapsed, Wiff Waff had failed and the Praetorians were coming for me Michael. It was Brexit Hallowe’en all over again.
Michael: There’s no need to swear Boris.
Boris: Sorry Michael.
Michael: It’s all right Bozza, just calm down.
Boris: Thanks Michael.
Michael: That’s okay.
Boris:It was horrible Michael. There were people taking me seriously.
Michael: Mm huh, Mm Huh.
Boris: They were asking me to make decisions and stand by the consequesnces, they were making fun of me Michael.
Michael: Been there Boris, been there.
Boris: The worst thing was Michael…
Michael: Yes Boris?
Boris: The worst thing was they were planning a coup, they were going to replace me, the 1922 boys, the Praetorians were going to ask you to take over. Can you imagine that?
Michael: Yes I can imagine it Boris, I can imagine anything.
Boris: But, but you’d never come back. Sarah wouldn’t let you.
Michael: Not in the real world Boris.
Boris: What do you mean ‘the real world’?
Michael: Boris. Why am I here in your bedroom, Boris?
Michael: Exactly Boris, exactly, THIS is the dream.
Boris: Oh God no, it’s all true!
Voice Over: Being a dope can really mess with your head. Talk to Frank.
C = Customer
PO= Post Office worker.
C I’d like to send this first class please?
PO Public or private?
PO Public or private?
C I just want to post it.
PO Where to mate?
C My auntie, in Devon?
PO Devon? How old is she?
C She’s 67, look what’s that got…
PO Drive does she?
C Yes. Well, she can, but she’s not very confident now her eyes are….
PO Better be public then.
PO Delivery to the door
C Okay how much is that?
PO £25 mate.
PO First class Royal Mail £25 to Devon
C It’s only a birthday card for God’s sake.
PO Well that’s the first class postage to Devon these days sir.
C I could drive there and back for nearly that much.
PO I was doing to suggest it sir.
C But why?
PO Well, that’s the public sector for you isn’t it?
C What do you mean? What’s that got to do with it?
PO Well you’re paying for years of wasters expecting a free ride.
C A free ride?
PO Pensions, contracts of employment, redundancy pay, a 37 hour week, a living wage, all that socialist rubbish.
C So how much is the private mail to Devon?
PO Ah now you’re talking sir, I knew you’d see sense. £2.50.
C It’s still pretty steep… but okay.
PO Very wise sir. You won’t regret it.
C And when will it get there?
PO First class sir, tomorrow, guaranteed next day delivery.
C Great, it’s her birthday tomorrow.
PO Checks her mail every day does she sir?
C Well, of course, she doesn’t just leave it on the mat.
C You know when it drops through the letter box, she picks it up straight away.
PO Very funny sir.
C Why funny?
PO It’s the private sector sir, efficient, fast, reliable.
PO Efficiency does not do door to door.
C So what does it do?
PO All she has to do is pick it up from the Local Customer Satisfaction Collection and Delivery Point.
C Which is where for Devon?
PO Reading. Thank you for using EasyMail. Next