Boris: Oh God, no way out! No way out! No way out!


Michael: Boris, wake up, wake up now. It’s okay.

Boris: Michael. Eh? What? You?

Michael:   Yes Boris, wake up you’re having one of those Senate betrayal dreams again.

Boris: Yes, I was trapped Michael, there was no way out!

Michael: I know, I know, but it’s all right now.

Boris: Yes. Oh wow that was bad.

Michael : What was the matter Boris, was it the Capitoline Hill all over again?

Boris: No, no it was much worse. The economy had collapsed, Wiff Waff had failed and the Praetorians were coming for me Michael. It was Brexit Hallowe’en all over again.

Michael: There’s no need to swear Boris.

Boris: Sorry Michael.

Michael: It’s all right Bozza, just calm down.

Boris: Thanks Michael.

Michael: That’s okay.

Boris:It was horrible Michael. There were people taking me seriously.

Michael: Mm huh, Mm Huh.

Boris: They were asking me to make decisions and stand by the consequesnces, they were making fun of me Michael.

Michael: Been there Boris, been there.

Boris: The worst thing was Michael…

Michael: Yes Boris?

Boris: The worst thing was they were planning a coup, they were going to replace me, the 1922 boys, the Praetorians were going to ask you to take over. Can you imagine that?

Michael:Yes Boris.

Boris: Eh?

Michael: Yes I can imagine it Boris, I can imagine anything.

Boris: But, but you’d never come back. Sarah wouldn’t let you.

Michael: Not in the real world Boris.

Boris: What do you mean ‘the real world’?

Michael: Boris. Why am I here in your bedroom, Boris?

Boris: I…er

Michael: Exactly Boris, exactly, THIS is the dream.

Boris: Oh God no, it’s all true!



Voice Over: Being a dope can really mess with your head. Talk to Frank.




C = Customer

PO= Post Office worker.

C         I’d like to send this first class please?

PO       Public or private?

C         Sorry?

PO       Public or  private?

C         I just want to post it.

PO       [Sighs]

PO       Where to mate?

C         My auntie, in Devon?

PO       Devon? How old is she?

C         She’s 67, look what’s that got…

PO       Drive does she?

C         Yes. Well, she can, but she’s not very confident now her eyes are….

PO       Better be public then.

C         Why?

PO       Delivery to the door

C         Okay how much is that?

PO       £25 mate.

C         What!

PO       First class Royal Mail £25 to Devon

C         It’s only a birthday card for God’s sake.

PO       Well that’s the first class postage to Devon these days sir.

C         I could drive there and back for nearly that much.

PO       I was doing to suggest it sir.

C         But why?

PO       Well, that’s the public sector for you isn’t it?

C         What do you mean? What’s that got to do with it?

PO       Well you’re paying for years of wasters expecting a free ride.

C         A free ride?

PO       Pensions, contracts of employment, redundancy pay, a 37 hour week, a living wage, all that socialist rubbish.

C         So how much is the private mail to Devon?

PO       Ah now you’re talking sir, I knew you’d see sense. £2.50.

C         It’s still pretty steep… but okay.

PO       Very wise sir. You won’t regret it.

C         And when will it get there?

PO       First class sir, tomorrow, guaranteed next day delivery.

C         Great, it’s her birthday tomorrow.

PO       Checks her mail every day does she sir?

C         Well, of course, she doesn’t just leave it on the mat.

PO       Mat?

C         You know when it drops through the letter box, she picks it up straight away.

PO       Very funny sir.

C         Why funny?

PO       It’s the private sector sir, efficient, fast, reliable.

C         So?

PO       Efficiency does not do door to door.

C         So what does it do?

PO       All she has to do is pick it up from the Local Customer Satisfaction Collection and Delivery Point.

C         Which is where for Devon?

PO       Reading. Thank you for using EasyMail. Next

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