TALK TO FRANK

I don’t normally stray into politics but it is hard to avoid at the moment.

Given that the odd couple of A B deP Johnson and M Gove would appear to be about to go head to head  in the Conservative Party Leadership election and it is looking like the former will have his revenge, I wondered how he might be feeling in a year’s time.

Those of you who are old enough to remember the Goverment ads to encourage people to finds out what mind altering substances did to their brains and bodies will remember the exhortation to Talk to Frank (the website still exists if you were wondering).

Anyway on to Alexander’s June 2020 waking nightmare:

 

TALK TO FRANK

 

Boris: Oh God, no way out! No way out! No way out!

Michael: Boris, wake up, wake up now. It’s okay.

Boris: Michael. Eh? What? You!?

Michael:    Yes Boris, wake up you’re having one of those Senate betrayal dreams again.

Boris: Yes, I was trapped Michael, there was no way out!

Michael: I know, I know, but it’s all right now.

Boris: Yes. Oh wow that was bad.

Michael : What was the matter Boris, was it the Capitoline Hill all over again?

Boris: No, no it was much worse. The economy had collapsed, Wiff Waff had failed and the Praetorians were coming for me Michael. It was Brexit Hallowe’en all over again.

Michael: There’s no need to swear Boris.

Boris: Sorry Michael.

Michael: It’s all right Bozza, just calm down.

Boris: Thanks Michael.

Michael: That’s okay.

Boris. It was horrible Michael. There were people taking me seriously.

Michael: Mm huh, Mm Huh.

Boris: They were asking me to make decisions and stand by the consequences, they were making fun of me Michael.

Michael: Been there Boris, been there.

Boris: The worst thing was Michael…

Michael: Yes Boris?

Boris: The worst thing was they were planning a coup, they were going to replace me, the 1922 boys, the Praetorians were going to ask you to take over. Can you imagine that?

Michael: Yes Boris.

Boris: Eh?

Michael: Yes I can imagine it Boris, I can imagine anything.

Boris: But, but you’d never come back. Sarah wouldn’t let you.

Michael: Not in the real world Boris.

Boris: What do you mean ‘the real world’?

Michael: Boris. Why am I here in your bedroom, Boris?

Boris: I…er

Michael: Exactly Boris, exactly, THIS is the dream.

Boris: Oh God no, it’s all true!

 

Voice Over: Being a dope can really mess with your head. Talk to Frank.

EASY MAIL

This was a short sketch I wrote in 2009 when the eventual privatisation of Royal Mail became clear. Although the idea of a rump public sector service has gone by the board the resonance with the current erosion of the universal door to door service and the fattening up for private acquisition still amuses me in an ironic way.

EASY MAIL

C = Customer

PO= Post Office worker.

 

C         I’d like to send this first class please.

PO       Public or private?

C         Sorry?

PO       Public or  private?

C         I just want to post it.

PO      (Sighs)

PO       Where to mate?

C         My auntie, in Devon.

PO       Devon? How old is she?

C         She’s 67, look what’s that got…

PO       Drive does she?

C         Yes. Well, she can, but she’s not very confident now her eyes are….

 PO       Better be public then.

 C         Why?

 PO       Delivery to the door

 C         Okay how much is that?

 PO       £25 mate.

 C         What!

 PO       First class Royal Mail £25 to Devon

 C         It’s only a birthday card for God’s sake.

 PO       Well that’s the first class postage to Devon these days sir.

 C         I could drive there and back for nearly that much.

 PO       I was doing to suggest it sir.

 C         But why?

 PO       Well, that’s the public sector for you isn’t it?

 C         What do you mean? What’s that got to do with it?

 PO       Well you’re paying for years of wasters expecting a free ride.

 C         A free ride?

 PO       Pensions, contracts of employment, redundancy pay, a 37 hour week, a living wage, all that socialist rubbish.

 C         So how much is the private mail to Devon?

 PO       Ah now you’re talking sir, I knew you’d see sense. £2.50.

 C         It’s still pretty steep… but okay.

 PO       Very wise sir. You won’t regret it.

 C         And when will it get there?

 PO       First class sir, tomorrow, guaranteed next day delivery.

 C         Great, it’s her birthday tomorrow.

 PO       Checks her mail every day does she sir?

 C         Well, of course, she doesn’t just leave it on the mat.

 PO       Mat?

 C         You know when it drops through the letter box, she picks it up straight away.

 PO       Very funny sir.

 C         Why funny?

 PO       It’s the private sector sir, efficient, fast, reliable.

 C         So?

 PO       Efficiency does not do door to door.

 C         So what does it do?

 PO       All she has to do is pick it up from the Local Customer Satisfaction Collection and Delivery Point.

 C         Which is where for Devon?

 PO       Reading. Thank you for using EasyMail. Next