I love Saturnalia.

No, really! I mean I know it’s fashionable to pretend to be bored of all the excess, but feasts, presents, lots of wine, what’s not to love?

I remember last year we all had a dormouse eating competition for the last night, completely mad! You had to eat a dormouse and chug a goblet of red every time someone said ‘I’. Funny as….

‘One has had enough’ Sextus said after he’d peed himself the first time. Brutus says ‘What?’ and dopey Sextus says ‘I said…’  We cried. He chundered dormouse all over our King of Misrule who was doing a great job. If you’ve never seen an Equestrian covered in dormouse puke you haven’t lived, I tell you.

No, the dormice didn’t puke on him, Sextus’ puke was full of half chewed dormouse.

Yes, we had a King of Misrule, course we did. We believe in doing things properly. Keep Saturnalia Roman I say.

I know the King of Misrule thing can be a bit of an arse, but most people are sensible about it. I mean, ‘dance naked!’ ‘jump in the river three times!’ ‘bite a dog’, it’s all a laugh isn’t it? Great fun! And nobody goes all the way with it these days do they?

Well, I mean some of the army guys do the odd beheading, but I reckon it’s all part of the service isn’t it? I mean you start trying to impose modern bloody namby pamby standards of ‘oh no, we can’t possibly sacrifice humans in this day and age’ on the military and where are you? Where are you mate? Bloody barbarians all over the place, Christians picketing  the Circus and saying the Emperor isn’t a God, that’s where. I mean the army guys need to let off steam. Their King of Misrule really goes to town, anything he says for thirty days is his command. Nothing out of bounds. Probably worth it for a bit of a throat cutting at the end of it. I mean a short life and a merry one eh?

I mean you can’t stop people letting go and propitiating the dark side of Saturn if you want the good side can you? Personally I can think of several Lords of Misrule I would happily see on the altar at the end of their reign. Taking the piss some of it is. And what’s with all this peace love and understanding stuff? These bloody people, coming over here trying to impose their mad middle eastern monotheisms on people. It’s all right for these Judaeans, they don’t have to live with the Raetians next door do they. Po faced gits with their Alpine ways. I’d like to see a Judaean turning the other cheek on one of the cheese eating mountain dwellers. They’d slap it and nick his cash.

What do you mean, ‘what do I mean’? Raetians is what I mean. All they care about is herding cows and hoarding money, other people’s usually. No, it’s true. Their valleys are full of other people’s gold. Well known fact.

I don’t get this Judaean stuff anyway. Where’s the fun in sitting around waiting for the spirit to move you or whatever it is they do? Twenty four dormice and goblets of Apullian red would move anyone, no waiting. They need to have more fun. They’re spoiling Saturnalia with all this moaning about excess. Before you know it they’ll have the bloody Emperor signed up and then where will we be? No more boiled Flamingo with dates, no sea urchin stuffed sow’s udders…

‘What? Course they’re salted, who ever had unsalted sea urchin? Where was I?

Oh yeah, and no roast parrot. It will all be unleavened bread and no pigs.

What’s that? That’s the other lot is it? Well, they’re all the same if you ask me. Whose Empire is it anyway? If they don’t like it they can just sod off. Well no. Obviously they can’t, but why would they want to? What did their weird gods ever do for them? Now, the Emperors, Saturn, Jove all those boys, proper Gods, yeah, and Goddesses, where would we be without Minerva, Venus and Diana eh? None of this wishy washy say a prayer and it will all be lovely bollocks.

Still as long as we’ve got this Emperor in charge we’ll be okay. I mean anyone who feeds two Frankish kings and their soldiers to the beasts in a triumph is all right by me, my son. That’s the proper way to celebrate isn’t it? Not singing a hymn and putting ash on your head

Still it’s the drinking and feasting and vomiting I really like. And as long as he’s in charge I reckon we’re safe from all that pacifist crap.

So here’s to him!

Long live The Emperor Constantine!

Happy Saturnalia!


(In 307AD the Emperor Constantine defeated an opportunistic Frankish invasion of Gaul and had two of the invaders’ kings: Ascaric and Merogais,  and their soldiers, thrown to wild animals  in the arena – probably in Triers.

In 312AD he formally converted to Christianity and in 313 decriminalised  its worship in the Roman Empire).


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.